Category Archives: Dream

Yes, Samantha, You Are In The Flow

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Yes, Samantha, You Are In The Flow

I hope you get on this site soon Samantha. We met last night in a serendipitous turn of events and had a lengthy conversation covering so many topics. I want you to know that you are in the flow of life and more importantly, you are the flow. And, you inspired my flow here on my blog.

I have been where you are and when so many doors close then it is easy to reach out and close more of them – making the assumption that this is the outcome that will happen anyway, so let’s just get it over with. It becomes an instinct to hesitate walking through another door, fearful that it will close on our nose too.

You are resilient and strong. Just from a 2 hour conversation, I know this about you. Be bold. Put yourself out there again with your voice and your musical gifts and say Yes when doors begin to open.

We talked about Efforting vs. Being. Efforting is when we struggle to make things happen, exhausting ourselves, and sometimes others, in the process. Being is allowing action steps to be inspired and intentional that feel good rather than heavy and burdensome. Our to-do list comes from our mental mind more than our heart when we are full of efforting – and we feel weary when we think about doing these things. When we shift into having our heart engaged, we shift into inspired actions that leave us feeling excited and hopeful.

You are a beautiful being that I am happy to have met you in the alley behind Goodwill on a lovely Friday night in Boulder, CO. Start asking yourself, what if I am doing everything right? What if I am right where I am supposed to be all the time? What if this experience is to help me learn more about me and about the world around me? What if this is to help me grow and stretch myself in ways that I cannot imagine?

Stay tuned, Samantha for posts about other things that we spoke of that I feel compelled to share here –  neoroplasticity, pain and letting go, movement and stillness, there are no guarantees, why did this happen to me?, travel and serendipity of events, and more. Thank YOU for showing up and getting my voice rolling again – YOU inspired me to publish some shit!

You are having a Great Life Samantha. Enjoy.

Love, Angela

 

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Yoga of Self-Care #8 Moving Forward Using Anger

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Yoga of Self-Care #8 Moving Forward Using Anger

I have a ton of fun hosting family and friends out here in beautiful Colorado. We often visit trails and mountains that are new to me too. Recently all the fun I had in a mountain adventure was sucked away in a vacuum of anger just a few minutes into our drive down the mountain. I use all experiences – good and bad – to grow and learn more about myself.

I have known for several years now that I don’t allow to have enough healthy anger to have a voice in my life. Here is the beginning of my anger working for me. I have a new boundary. I feel compelled to publish it – it is good practice for saying it out loud to all the people that plan to visit this summer.

If you are visiting me and you feel it is important to tell me how to live my life better than I am, I will walk you to the door. Our visit will end at that moment, especially if I didn’t ask for your opinion. If you cannot have an insightful, open, intelligent dialogue with me respecting my choices, you are out. I will be direct with every person that plans on coming a long distance to spend time with me. If you happen to live locally, its not such a hardship to get your ass home.

I have navigated questions about my soul’s eternal destiny and many of my lifestyle choices with love and compassion for many years now and I am not going to be so nice and peaceful anymore. Now I am pissed that people I know and love cannot love me for who I am – they insist on trying to change me. That is not love.

My request is quite simple: Leave my choices alone. Give me the same respect you want of me for your lifestyle choices. I love my current life. My spirituality is sacred to me – anyone that attacks what I believe, is attacking me. I won’t stand for it anymore. Choose your words wisely in my company or you will find yourself back home sooner than planned.

For years anger has frozen me. It was a learned behavior to repress my anger. I have feared that letting anger out would be catastrophic to me and those that I love – my anger seemed bigger than me. I am experiencing healthy responses to my healthy anger and it feels great!

I understand the importance of honoring all of who I am – even the Angry Angela. In fact, allowing anger to flow through me in a timely and appropriate way is a natural and beautiful response to have present in my daily life. Bottled up and repressed anger is toxic, like an oil spill, to my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

I don’t want to smell like toxic shit anymore.

Day 5: The Yoga of Self-Care

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Day 5: The Yoga of Self-Care
1. Remember to notice your breath and how it changes with situations, emotions, triggers, people.
2. Add an intention that includes something that feels miraculous to you right now. Miracles happen.
3. Nothing ever gets resolved with out ACTION. Run, walk, dance, jig or two-step your way into movement.
4. Being willing to seek out the root of your shit-storm is HUGE. Give yourself a big hug and eat some ice cream. Call on a friend and professionals.
5. This self-help method can be used anywhere with any problem.
Massage therapists always say: The issues are in the tissues. I agree – our body holds much wisdom and has a memory far more powerful than we probably know. It is incredibly important to honor, honor, honor what the body has to say during any healing process. This is one method I use in my 1 on 1 healing sessions frequently. There are many methods – use what works for you. I do encourage folks to do this on their own and when receiving care from a chiropractor, acupuncturist, yoga class, meditation time, massage therapist, dancing, etc. There are a gazillion ways to heal and this can be used and adapted for just about any modality.
Sit quietly and note where in the body you feel pain, discomfort, soreness, tightness, etc.
Set intention to be able to hear the message(s) your body has for you and make a clear direct statement that you are seeking wisdom from your body and are willing to hear what it has to say. Do your best to empty your mind and create space for the message(s) to come in without judgement. Use your breath to clear and absorb several times throughout the process.
You can hold, tap, or massage the sensitive point you have identified. As you begin to do this, see what situations, people, relationships, thoughts come to mind.  Allow the tears, anger, frustration, jealousy, etc. anything that surfaces, to flow. Each emotion needs to be honored. Once you think you have the emotional root, thank your body for holding space for this to be honored. Reassure the body that you are committed to resolving the issue and ask if your body would like to have you check in again. If yes, ask when. Send a huge dose of love to this part of your body. Then imagine wrapping yourself in a beautiful soft blanket soaked in love. Give your body permission to absorb the healing of love.
Then do some art, writing or whatever process feels good to you to absorb the new information. Process with a friend or professional if needed.
I suggest ending with a positive mantra/statement (or several) to tap into whatever part of the body feels natural to be tapped on (or massaged or held) and do that until you feel peace in all ways. Mantra suggestions: I am grateful for my innate wisdom. I love my body and our memories. I am grateful for being open to discover a layer of myself that deserves healing. I am committed to healing this wound completely. I honor this wound as a part of who I am and I know that I am whole, even with wounds waiting to be healed. My body is a gift. This knowledge is a gift. I am a gift.
Yoga helps me appreciate my body. And it helps my body release old wounds that I do not want to carry around anymore. Regular yoga practice, in a class or by yourself, is a gift to yourself. Stretch gently into healing. Give yourself loving-kindness and freedom from the past. These women inspire me. I am grateful they gift themselves yoga. http://www.rebelcircus.com/blog/curvy-girls-nailed-yoga-poses/
This is part 5 of a 7 part series on self-care.

Angela’s Voice / The Missing Puzzle Piece

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Angela’s Voice / The Missing Puzzle Piece

Journal Entry / May 20, 1996

My dream last night was of me as a little girl in the car and angry about where we were going. I couldn’t tell anyone why, but I was terrified of visiting this place.

The scene changes in my dream: the little girl took my hand and led me to a wall where there was a puzzle hanging. It was a puzzle representing my life. All the events and people I had experienced were in this picture. There was a general sense of chaos visible and palpable when I looked at this puzzle. I noted there was one piece missing in the lower right hand quadrant.

Then she motioned for me to lean over and examine something in her hand as she strained to lift it higher: It was a puzzle piece. Without saying a word she expressed the importance of what was on that puzzle piece. She was right, it was important. I looked in her eyes and nodded, acknowledging her wisdom and my understanding. Then she carefully placed it in the puzzle on the wall. In an instant the chaotic energy that had been overlaying the puzzle vanished. There was a thread from that piece to every person and event portrayed in the puzzle. Instantly, everything made perfect sense. My entire being resonated with relief and freedom with this new information.

The dream is crystal clear this morning except what was on the single puzzle piece.

Journal Entry / December 25, 2010

Fourteen years of this dream and I finally know what is on the puzzle piece. The chaos in my life is gone, seemingly evaporated overnight. I am still, very still. There is an understanding of myself that I have been longing for my whole adult life. I now have memories that my brain chose to bury at the age of 3. I don’t know where these memories will take me, but my physical body is in a state of relief. I am acutely aware that my body has been spending enormous amounts of energy holding these memories inside. The freedom and liberation is immense.

Journal Entry / April 10, 2012

As each memory emerges, I experience a state of shock. I consciously navigate acceptance and integration of this new information into my story. Reliving the trauma is difficult. But I recognize that I cannot heal from that which I do not remember. How can I heal the wounds of rape if I can’t acknowledge that it happened? Awareness and acceptance have been critical to navigating the storms of the past as I pick up and hold the broken debris. These relics lead me to a deeper understanding of myself. Healing and the ability to choose differently emerge from the brokenness.

I am continually amazed that everything I did before seeking professional help was exactly what the experts are guiding me through now, 17 months after the first memory emerged. I am grateful that I had such a connection to my innate wisdom. I have been guided efficiently through this journey. God has provided the people, resources and support that I needed at exactly the right moment – all I had to do was ask.

I believe that as we each commit to healing our wounds, whatever they are, that we create a healing ripple of energy into our immediate family and friends that spreads out over the Earth. I visualize that healing energy rippling out across the world frequently – some days it is what keeps me going. However, most days the ability to move forward and continue to heal, come from the inner freedom and healing that I have already experienced. The healed part of my soul reaches out to the wounded places and beckons me inside.

 

My Dream / January 13, 2011

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I have a dream of healthy, joyful and whole children that don’t ever learn what the word abuse means. It is not in their vocabulary because it is not in their dictionary. How can this happen? By having healthy, joyful and whole people raising them and caring for them. At home, school, church, daycare and the homes of family and friends. What can I do? Just one person – can I make a difference? My healing has to happen first, then I can share my story and help others to heal. It starts here, in my home, in my heart.

I have felt fractured all day. I can’t connect the basic dots of where I need to be or where I need to go to be efficient about it. Normally, I am all about efficiency.

I feel like I have one thousand lose ends in my life that I would love to clip off and have a fresh slate. That is my goal. Can I get my life in order like that? Based on the last few months, the answer is no. I had a hypnotherapy session today. In an effort to nurture myself, I also had an energy healing session and it was good. I did feel reluctant to go into the hypno-state, afraid of what I would find there. I think I totally chicken shitted the hour away. Where is my courage today?

I would love to have a good long hug tonight. I want to be held by someone that would let me draw on their strength and collect as many hugs as needed. I need some reassurance that I am going to be better than ok on the other end. I feel hollow and empty.  My friend D and I hung out for a bit. She clearly does not know what to do for me except medicate me. It was ok with me. We loaded up on some junk food and wine and mindless TV. I think I could be a junkie of any of the above if I allowed myself to go down that path.

The moon is beautiful, lending strength and courage to me. I see a child’s face reflected in the moon tonight. I wish I could sleep outside with her.