Tag Archives: intentions

What Forgiveness Meant to Me – Literally

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What Forgiveness Meant to Me – Literally

I wrote about the 3 day retreat that ended with an unforgettable experience here. And I wrote a poem expressing my pain here. Now it is time to share exactly what freedom meant to me after the exercise of forgiveness. I had no idea what to expect – the possibilities were endless.

In the days following the retreat, I felt that my heart space had doubled in size. In my daily prayers I asked God to bring things up so I could let go of even more. I would think of old painful experiences and I forgave myself and others easily. Since I had tackled the biggie in my life, all these other wounds were senseless to hold on to. Sometimes tears accompanied my prayers of forgiveness, but overall, each time I practiced forgiveness, it just got easier and easier.

It seemed pointless to hang on to anything that weighed me down – forgiveness was my new happy pill and I dosed myself frequently.

The second miracle is that the SHAME that clouded my whole life, simply evaporated. I had not understood the roots of my shame until now. I had worked on it from so many angles, and now with the choice of forgiveness, it was gone.

An old journal entry describes my feelings:
“I feel like I am drowning in shame. I take more of it in with each breath. It stinks like rotting flesh. Its voice is eerily comforting as it fills my ear with lies. Sometimes I play hide and seek with shame trying to escape its grip. But I end up feeling naked and exposed and put out the SOS – Shame Oh Shame, please return. Wrap yourself around me like a cloak and help me feel safe again.

My head knows that being raped was never my fault, but I cannot release the grip of shame in my being. Ok, God, let’s heal this shit. Enough already. I am 46 and I have proven I can do shame – with gusto, flair, and grit. It is time to make a change.”

I don’t know if I can adequately express how much shame was woven into my being. I always had shameful thoughts about myself running my brain and body ragged. I used so many tools to neutralize this shame, but they only helped me keep my head above the drowning level.

Obviously this shame took root in my being just from the nature of the violence I endured. I think it was easy to allow shame to grow and perpetuate because so much of the world mirrored that I was not enough as a girl, as a woman, as a human.

I do still have moments when I feel vulnerable without that cloak of shame. I feel exposed and yet I realize that I was always the first one to attack myself. Being and sitting with vulnerability is a worth while practice.

There are many layers of vulnerability and just when one gets comfortable, another emerges, inviting us to expose more of our heart.

Freedom from shame and old wounds of unforgiveness would not have happened if the seed of wanting forgiveness to happen had never been planted. Even if it seems impossible for you to experience forgiving someone that harmed you, I encourage you to say, “Someday, I would like to be free from the weight of unforgiveness. Prepare my heart so when the moment arrives I step into the miracle of unfolding.”

The last little miracle to happen from this is that for 3 days after the retreat ended, I heard my grandpa saying “Angie” in quiet moments. Just before bed on the 3rd day, I said, “Ok, grandpa, I am listening.” He appeared in my mind’s eye sobbing and repeating “I’m sorry.” I thanked him for his apology and released him to continue his own journey. While it was completely unexpected to hear from him (he died 25 years ago) it was beautiful to feel his sincerity and hear his apology. I certainly was not anticipating this experience.

So, if his soul found a new level of peace, that was previously beyond imagination, I am a-ok with that.

Won’t you plant some heart seeds today?

In case you missed it, here is Part 1: Forgiving the Unforgivable

My Poem Related to this post: Feisty for $25

Read more about who the heck I am: https://iamangela.org/about/

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Day 7: The Yoga of Self-Care

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Day 7: The Yoga of Self-Care

Self-care for the blogger begins with hitting the draft button regularly or a completely done amazing post goes down the vortex of the web. And sucks my beautiful words and tender heart with it. It is amazing how my energy plummets when this happens. I was done except for my image. A nice person at WordPress even conspired to find my words but to no avail. Why isn’t the new post page defaulted on draft where it is in save mode instead of publish immediately where it does not save text?

I am grateful for the Your Turn Challenge team led by Winnie Kao and Seth Godin. It has been a remarkable week. I can’t wait to spend more time on the blog reading amazing material by other participants.

I can ship. Lots more than I thought I could. And I had FUN doing it. My self-care will be to ship way more frequently and stop hiding who I am and what I think and where I have been and where I am going.

I had a nice long note here about the sun and my daily celebration of her steadfastness. Of how much this comforts me and gives me strength and perseverance in my own life. How by spending time in the natural world, I am more devoted and compelled to be steadfast in my personal self-care. I watched her rise this morning and she took my breath away. I even wrote her a letter. And then I wrote you, the readers of this blog a letter about honoring your self-care rituals that help you grow and heal. We are all different and it takes respecting your self enough to take care of you. No matter what kind of crap another might throw at you. We all clean up our shit storms our own way.

That beautifully written post will have to be drafted tomorrow because my body is yelling at me to go to bed. And tonight I am going to listen. I hiked in the Rocky Mountains today and celebrated the Earth’s magnificent brilliance, played an outdoor xylophone and had my picture taken with a snowman. So all in all, it was an awesome day. My words will come tomorrow as sure as the sun rises.

This is part 7 of a 7 part series on self-care.

Day 5: The Yoga of Self-Care

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Day 5: The Yoga of Self-Care
1. Remember to notice your breath and how it changes with situations, emotions, triggers, people.
2. Add an intention that includes something that feels miraculous to you right now. Miracles happen.
3. Nothing ever gets resolved with out ACTION. Run, walk, dance, jig or two-step your way into movement.
4. Being willing to seek out the root of your shit-storm is HUGE. Give yourself a big hug and eat some ice cream. Call on a friend and professionals.
5. This self-help method can be used anywhere with any problem.
Massage therapists always say: The issues are in the tissues. I agree – our body holds much wisdom and has a memory far more powerful than we probably know. It is incredibly important to honor, honor, honor what the body has to say during any healing process. This is one method I use in my 1 on 1 healing sessions frequently. There are many methods – use what works for you. I do encourage folks to do this on their own and when receiving care from a chiropractor, acupuncturist, yoga class, meditation time, massage therapist, dancing, etc. There are a gazillion ways to heal and this can be used and adapted for just about any modality.
Sit quietly and note where in the body you feel pain, discomfort, soreness, tightness, etc.
Set intention to be able to hear the message(s) your body has for you and make a clear direct statement that you are seeking wisdom from your body and are willing to hear what it has to say. Do your best to empty your mind and create space for the message(s) to come in without judgement. Use your breath to clear and absorb several times throughout the process.
You can hold, tap, or massage the sensitive point you have identified. As you begin to do this, see what situations, people, relationships, thoughts come to mind.  Allow the tears, anger, frustration, jealousy, etc. anything that surfaces, to flow. Each emotion needs to be honored. Once you think you have the emotional root, thank your body for holding space for this to be honored. Reassure the body that you are committed to resolving the issue and ask if your body would like to have you check in again. If yes, ask when. Send a huge dose of love to this part of your body. Then imagine wrapping yourself in a beautiful soft blanket soaked in love. Give your body permission to absorb the healing of love.
Then do some art, writing or whatever process feels good to you to absorb the new information. Process with a friend or professional if needed.
I suggest ending with a positive mantra/statement (or several) to tap into whatever part of the body feels natural to be tapped on (or massaged or held) and do that until you feel peace in all ways. Mantra suggestions: I am grateful for my innate wisdom. I love my body and our memories. I am grateful for being open to discover a layer of myself that deserves healing. I am committed to healing this wound completely. I honor this wound as a part of who I am and I know that I am whole, even with wounds waiting to be healed. My body is a gift. This knowledge is a gift. I am a gift.
Yoga helps me appreciate my body. And it helps my body release old wounds that I do not want to carry around anymore. Regular yoga practice, in a class or by yourself, is a gift to yourself. Stretch gently into healing. Give yourself loving-kindness and freedom from the past. These women inspire me. I am grateful they gift themselves yoga. http://www.rebelcircus.com/blog/curvy-girls-nailed-yoga-poses/
This is part 5 of a 7 part series on self-care.

Healing Intentions

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Healing Intentions

I believe setting up intentions early in my experience has helped me to trust that the journey is unfolding in the way that is most beneficial for me. If you think intentions are helpful, feel free to use these as a guide and make them your own. I have modified them a few times, so visit them regularly.

I intend that I honor truth and awareness as a first step to healing. And engage my Divine wisdom and discernment in the process. Healing from suppressed memories is more common that you might imagine. It is a normal reaction of our brain to hold back pain and events that we are not yet capable of working through. Many of us have hurts and wounds that come up to the surface when we are ready to move through those old experiences to heal. I believe we cannot heal from that which we are not consciously aware of, however some details are not required to heal. I intend:

  • That I remember only that which is necessary to heal on all levels: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and sexually.
  • That I visit each memory only as long as is necessary to heal on all levels.
  • That if any part of my healing can directly impact others in a healing way, bring us together.
  • That my healing serves the collective in an amplified way that serves the highest good of all, especially in regard to the sexual imbalances in our world. The Ripple Effect with direct, expanded intention.
  • That I begin living life from the healed part of my heart, mind, body, and soul.
  • That I find complete and total forgiveness.
  • That radical and complete healing is my experience.
  • That I always remember Love.