Tag Archives: taking chances

Yes, Samantha, You Are In The Flow

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Yes, Samantha, You Are In The Flow

I hope you get on this site soon Samantha. We met last night in a serendipitous turn of events and had a lengthy conversation covering so many topics. I want you to know that you are in the flow of life and more importantly, you are the flow. And, you inspired my flow here on my blog.

I have been where you are and when so many doors close then it is easy to reach out and close more of them – making the assumption that this is the outcome that will happen anyway, so let’s just get it over with. It becomes an instinct to hesitate walking through another door, fearful that it will close on our nose too.

You are resilient and strong. Just from a 2 hour conversation, I know this about you. Be bold. Put yourself out there again with your voice and your musical gifts and say Yes when doors begin to open.

We talked about Efforting vs. Being. Efforting is when we struggle to make things happen, exhausting ourselves, and sometimes others, in the process. Being is allowing action steps to be inspired and intentional that feel good rather than heavy and burdensome. Our to-do list comes from our mental mind more than our heart when we are full of efforting – and we feel weary when we think about doing these things. When we shift into having our heart engaged, we shift into inspired actions that leave us feeling excited and hopeful.

You are a beautiful being that I am happy to have met you in the alley behind Goodwill on a lovely Friday night in Boulder, CO. Start asking yourself, what if I am doing everything right? What if I am right where I am supposed to be all the time? What if this experience is to help me learn more about me and about the world around me? What if this is to help me grow and stretch myself in ways that I cannot imagine?

Stay tuned, Samantha for posts about other things that we spoke of that I feel compelled to share here –  neoroplasticity, pain and letting go, movement and stillness, there are no guarantees, why did this happen to me?, travel and serendipity of events, and more. Thank YOU for showing up and getting my voice rolling again – YOU inspired me to publish some shit!

You are having a Great Life Samantha. Enjoy.

Love, Angela

 

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Day 1: Yoga of Self-Care

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Day 1: Yoga of Self-Care

Ok, so the shit has hit the fan and you are in a mess – emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, and/or mentally. The only thinking happening is panic induced:
“Help. I need help.”
“What the Fuck – really? Now?”
“I don’t even know where to begin.”
“I am so tired of feeling attacked.”

 

Hit the pause button of your thoughts. Take an extra   s l o w   and   d e e p   breath – hold it for a moment – then release it slowly and completely. Make noise, or not. Do it again and allow a mantra to enter your mental space, such as peace and calm. Use it on the inhale and let the exhale take away as much stuckness as you are able to muster. Do it again for as long as you want, knowing that your breath, is your life force. Intentional breathing can help you co-create your homeostasis, your balance. Your body wants, and needs, you to pitch in and help out here.

Use this space you have given yourself, tiny as it may seem, to keep moving forward; to co-create a mental space that will provide a foundation for healing the shit-space you feel taking over right now. This is a critical mass moment – consider yourself in the ICU – cancel any non-urgent appointments and obligations to invest time in yourself. Now it is Your Turn as Guru Seth Godin, would say.

Too often we fail to do this – I know, I used to be the master of busy. It was far easier to show up for someone else than it was to show up for myself. I let life happen to me rather than taking charge. I deferred and procrastinated the ICU matters of my life until someone else made the choices for me or until the situation had deteriorated to such an extent that my options were severely limited. This is not Self-care. This is not, as a recent guru put it, Devotion to Self.

Have you ever been in a hard yoga pose? It takes an enormous amount of attention to hold that position. There is no choice but to be fully present in your body – the vehicle for movement, momentum, changing directions. This latest shit storm? It is your hard yoga pose. I know, it stinks and is terribly uncomfortable in all ways, but I am suggesting you “sit with your shit.” Being grounded and present and in your body is the first step to creating the life you desire.

I know you will find fertilizer for new growth and potential far beyond your imagined limitations of today.

Last, but not least, head for the nearest yoga class, immerse yourself in yourself, and find seeds of faith, hope, strength, courage, resiliency, wisdom, and love for your Self.

This is part 1 of a 7 part series on Self-Care.

Leaving the Known and Finding a Silo

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Leaving the Known and Finding a Silo

In the last year, I have had several friends tell me that I inspired them to make changes in their lives. They left jobs, sold homes, moved, left unhealthy relationships, took chances on new relationships and more. It is not easy to leave our known places that are comfortable. I am humbled, and inspired, by these stories.

I did leave a great home of 25 years called Des Moines, IA. I loved my friends, the local scene, the work that I did over the years, but I felt stuck in roles that I had created but could no longer support. I moved to save my Self. To find which pieces of me were worth keeping and to let go of other pieces. For some people, I jumped off a cliff into the unknown. It is true that I did not know a whole lot about my future. I had a temporary place to live, a few family members living near-by, a little bit of money, and no job.

I have heard over and over how courageous I am and I want to argue that many days, in fact, I feel terrified. Most of my fear comes from thinking I don’t have any choices.

In the end, I am reminded that more choices are out there than I can imagine. Most recently, I listened to a voice that said “Put it out there – your desire to live rent free and closer to work for the winter” and just a couple of weeks later, I found myself living in a silo 6 miles from work. I love this silo. It has shown me that I love a small, round living space, and that my needs are quite simple. However, as I packed up my things I wondered why I was leaving such a beautiful and comfortable home that I shared with a very kind and like-minded woman. Is moving somewhere for 2 months crazy? What happens in 2 months? I created a choice and in that choice there is discomfort of the unknown.

How do I discover my choices? I pray. A lot. The prayers have covered lots of territory in the last year: “What is next? Where is my next job, home, meal, tank of gas? What is the next strategy for healing this wound? And God? I am so relieved that it isn’t all up to me.” Then I listen and take the appropriate steps to find the next right thing.

I just want to point out that to live courageously often invites a relationship with fear. To step out into the unknown tells fear that I am accepting the lessons that fear has for me. This does not mean that I am not afraid, it means that I am signing up to practice being familiar with the unknown, uncomfortable, and the awkward. I honor the presence that fear has in my life and give myself permission to move ahead anyway.

It is in these places that I find some things resembling courage, resilience, healing, joy, and freedom.

The other “F” word

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Forgiveness is a difficult topic for many people. We just don’t want to go there – it seems too hard and what does it really do for us anyway? We have all heard how it is something we do for ourselves more than the other person. But, really, what does it do for us? In the end we don’t do anything without recognizing how we will benefit, right? Well, here are some what ifs to consider:

What if some of our body pain was rooted in un-forgiveness? What if some of our shitty mental tapes that we keep hearing (perhaps even listening to) were rooted in un-forgiveness? What if our capacity to love and connect with others was limited because of our un-forgiveness? What if our ability to love and accept ourselves was limited due to our un-forgiveness?

I know that the concept of forgiveness feels like we are saying:

“It was ok that you hurt me.”   and/or   “You can keep causing pain and I will keep forgiving you.”

On a subconscious level, we may be super attached to that particular story of pain. And if we forgive, then the story isn’t as appealing. BUT, what if the story becomes MORE appealing because of our capacity to forgive? What if we started a super-hero like tidal wave of forgiveness? Sounds good, but how do we get there? What are the basic tools of forgiveness?

The BEST tool is WILLINGNESS. Just be open to experience forgiveness. Each path is different. We cannot begin to tell each other how to forgive. There are many stages and processes that we might need to travel through. The first stage is planting the seed of WILLINGNESS to arrive at Forgiveness as a whole-heart experience.

Just begin to ask yourself a few questions:

What might forgiveness of this person or situation feel like in my body?

What might it taste like on my tongue?

How might it shift my capacity to breath?

What might it sound like?

How might it create space in my mind? My heart?

I can only share that FREEDOM is on the other side of forgiveness. I know this from personal experience and witnessing the release of pain in others. Freedom to be more, to live more, to experience more.

Keep it simple today and plant the seed. Start rolling the “F” word around on your tongue and hearing it in your head. And continue to express willingness.

Healing Intentions

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Healing Intentions

I believe setting up intentions early in my experience has helped me to trust that the journey is unfolding in the way that is most beneficial for me. If you think intentions are helpful, feel free to use these as a guide and make them your own. I have modified them a few times, so visit them regularly.

I intend that I honor truth and awareness as a first step to healing. And engage my Divine wisdom and discernment in the process. Healing from suppressed memories is more common that you might imagine. It is a normal reaction of our brain to hold back pain and events that we are not yet capable of working through. Many of us have hurts and wounds that come up to the surface when we are ready to move through those old experiences to heal. I believe we cannot heal from that which we are not consciously aware of, however some details are not required to heal. I intend:

  • That I remember only that which is necessary to heal on all levels: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and sexually.
  • That I visit each memory only as long as is necessary to heal on all levels.
  • That if any part of my healing can directly impact others in a healing way, bring us together.
  • That my healing serves the collective in an amplified way that serves the highest good of all, especially in regard to the sexual imbalances in our world. The Ripple Effect with direct, expanded intention.
  • That I begin living life from the healed part of my heart, mind, body, and soul.
  • That I find complete and total forgiveness.
  • That radical and complete healing is my experience.
  • That I always remember Love.

 

Friendship

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Friendship

Journal Entry / May 6, 2011

What if we all allowed ourselves to have a fear friend? Someone that will work to fully understand our fear and to assure us we are capable of working through it. God, I think I could use a fear friend. (Maybe two?)

There are days I am afraid of these repressed memories. Afraid they will swallow me up, that I won’t find my way back.

I am terrified that I will be labeled crazy for the rest of my life.

Afraid I won’t find someone to love me for who I am today – a woman with an ugly past.

I am afraid that I won’t ever have another date or the thrill of falling in love.

I am afraid that I will have a trigger or reaction that hurts someone else.

I am afraid that I’ll take so long to find my way that it won’t matter anymore.

I am afraid that I will lose friends because I am not the same person I used to be.

I am afraid that I won’t find peace because I won’t find all my memories, leaving me unable to heal completely.

I am afraid that my capacity for joy – sacred holy joy of life and living will never be mine. That the glimpses I have had are all I get.

**End of journal entry. Additional reflections:

A few years back, I realized a pattern: I had a limited amount of intimacy in my life. I had done an excellent job at creating plenty of relationships where I was needed by others more than I allowed myself to be needed by another. I sat with the awareness and watched it play out time and time again. I managed to catch myself in moments of intimacy with friends here and there but mostly, I kept myself too busy for intimate moments to reach me on a regular basis. I longed for intimacy but was terrified of the prospect of needing someone, depending on someone, which was my definition of intimacy. I longed for a spiritual partner, but didn’t put myself into the dating world.

When old childhood memories began to emerge, I didn’t have any choice but to become deeply intimate with myself on all levels. Finding that space within my Self, where my fears are born, was the first step to knowing intimacy. Next I asked God to be my first witness, my trusted friend.

Intimacy is about sharing and supporting more than needing to be needed. Intimacy is about honoring each other with unconditional love and grace. Do I still have bouts of fear? Almost daily butterflies ripple in my gut when I choose to share more of who I am; open up to receive love rather than just give, which is my old pattern.

Intimacy means reaching out especially when fetal position in my bed is all that seems safe. When it seems I know something about intimacy, it asks more of me. And I laugh with God (and cry) in the knowledge that I know nothing, absolutely nothing, about intimacy. Somehow, I manage to keep showing up for practice. Gratefully, a few forgiving friends show up too.

Spring is about lifting your face unabashedly into the reflection of a friend, stretching and lifting your whole heart in an effort to grow and blossom – allowing the rain to soften us and the sun to warm us.

-Angela Rae Clark, 2006 Tending Your Inner Garden Seedling still finding ways to blossom in the world. Angela is sharing part of her recent experience of healing from emerging memories of childhood rape, torture and trauma. She is immensely grateful to have the TYIG tools and experiences to draw upon during this journey. Deb, Diane and the TYIG friends are a constant inspiration and source of love and support. Angela supports others through her healing arts practice, The Ki Inside. http://www.TheKiInside.com